Reflections

This morning I headed east instead of west, having an appointment with the dentist at 8am to repair my chipped tooth. It seemed strange to be heading against the flow of traffic though. It was also great to drive along the coast. The sun was bright orange and very low in the sky and was reflected in the water of the bay, which was very nice. Even Portobello beach looked appealling which given how cold it is today was surprising. The tooth fix was a pain free experience I am happy to add.

Last night was taken up by a visit to the hospital to see my Grandad. It’s hard to tell how things are going just now due to the fact that he’s on a lot of pain medication. The visual impact of this medication is heartbreaking though. He is like a zombie, weak and skeletal in places and cannot hold a coherent conversation. Speaking to the hospital staff, I found no reassurance in the fact that they were also worried about his condition as they felt there were more issues here than just the medication.

Sitting by the bedside, I had a sudden urge to touch him. We have been very close for many years and our relationship is fantastic, however at important times such as saying goodbye after visiting him at home etc there was always an awkward standoff which prevented a hug or a kiss being exchanged. I think this is due to the fact that he is a quiet man. Full of love, but of the generation where you don’t necessarily demonstrate it. I also found it strange as 30 something man to be giving him a kiss, albeit that it was something I had no issue with as a child.

Since he has been in hospital I have taken to giving him a kiss upon leaving at the end of the night but last night was different. I wanted to hold his hand and stroke his hair. I think I am worried that at some point in the future he won’t be there and I’ll be torn apart because I can’t remember what he felt like.

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