A couple of days on and I’m still struggling to come to terms with my part in putting my grandmother into Psychiatric care. Tears have come in heavy floods and often. The guilt almost paralyses me at times.
I feel that I am more guilty and more complicit in this than my Mother and Father are. We all made the decision as a family but it was myself and my Dad who had to do the deed so to speak. We had to go into her house and convince her that we were only taking her for a doctors appointment. Once in the car though, my Dad drove and I sat in the back with her, so the entire responsibility for telling her the lies fell to me.
She knew where she was going. For her generation there was only ever one hospital in Haddington and it wasn’t a good place to be. Although it is now a modern facility with great care, the older generation still view it as an asylum. She knew she was going there and she fought all the way. She’s been aware for some time that her mind isn’t what it was and she has been steadfastly avoiding any contact with the medical profession as a result, sometimes violently.
I know that logically the correct decision was reached and the correct action was taken both for her and for the long term health of my family. It was tearing us apart. I’m 35 years of age. Well into adulthood. But I still feel like a child. A childs bond with their grandparents is huge and I am very very close to them both. That’s why this whole thing hurts so bad. Together for nigh on 60 years and I am guilty of separating them. I can still see her face pleading with me not to leave and I can still feel her iron grip on my wrist. It’s the stuff of nightmares.
I will get over it though and I plan to take the first steps tonight with a good few pints at the Forgotten Sons gig in Glasgow. I’m meeting up with a few mates and it should be a good one. Have a good Friday night all.
on Dec 5th, 2006 at 9:15 am
My Father has now been in a care hospital for 10 weeks, my Mother has at last realised that he won’t be coming home. After having 4 strokes his muscles in his throat are very weak and so eating is very hard work. Through this he has lost nearly 4 stone and it’s hard to see a man who once was very healthy go to a state of being very thin and not knowing whats going on around him. The fact is he doesn’t really know this, his world as far as he is concerned is still the same. It’s us the family who feel the guilt. It’s very hard but you have to put on a brave face. My thoughts go out to you.
on Dec 5th, 2006 at 11:22 am
Thanks mate. Very good of you to pass on some kind words and encouragement at what is a particularly difficult time. My thoughts are with you as well as you seem to be having an equally hard time.