Arise Sir Pigeon Slayer
Posted on June 19, 2007
Filed Under Life |
Pigeons are wankers. Fact. If the animal kingdom could drive, they would be the pricks who speed up the outside of a queue of traffic and indicate in two places from the top when you’ve been stuck waiting for half an hour.
Except, pigeons can’t drive. It’s a wings + steering wheels + wee short legs issue. What they are very proficient at however is cooing on your bedroom balcony at 5am and waking you up. Worse still they shag noisily on your balcony at 5am. I kid you not. Last year out of ‘curiosity’ we decided to leave a pigeon and her two eggs alone on our balcony to hatch and see what happened. Little Pterodactyl type monstrosities were born. No feathers and big beaks. Like Dodo’s but not so cute.
I mean, if I went around shitting and shagging on balconies there would be uproar. There would be photos of me in the Daily Record and the Sun. I’d be a ’sex beast’ and they’d want me ‘caged’.
Anyway, all pigeons in my vicinity should be aware that I’m on the warpath. If you want to copulate, get a room nest.
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I sometimes think that I am the only person in the world who doesn’t hate them, the pigeons. I feel sorry for them, being hated by this many people must be tough, even for a pigeon.
To be honest Ingrid, I don’t mind pigeons in their natural environment (shitting on statues, eating cold chips in parks and flapping about Victorian railway stations) however when they park their feathery buttocks (do pigeons have buttocks?) on my balcony and coo like their little lives depend on it then it’s war.