Big Z’s

Posted on September 25, 2007
Filed Under Life |

Yawnomatic. Very tired today for a number of reasons. Most notable of these was an almost complete lack of sleep on Saturday night due to our new upstairs neighbours having a massive party. That’s the shitty problem with the old tenement flats is that if your upstairs neighbour has a rammy going on then you know about it.

Now, with my wife being nearly nine months pregnant, she needs to get as much rest as possible. At 2am I went up and knocked on the door. To be honest I had intended to be calm. My neighbours are all American I said to myself. If you are not calm you will degenerate into ranting Scotsman and they will not understand you. Be calm. Be polite. Surely they will understand. I knocked. I waited.

No response. I knock louder. A cheeky ‘Woooooooh’ rises from behind the door. My blood boils. Angry ranting Scotsman mode is switched on. Needless to say that when they eventually did open the door I gave them hell. I was met with a look of blank arrogance but I had said my piece so it was time to give them a chance to sort it out.

By 3.30am there was no improvement so the Police were called. Except when you call the police with a noise complaint before 4am they don’t come themselves. Instead they send some council ‘Noise Patrol’ numpties with nice wee fleeces and safe trousers who politely ask the noise makers to turn it down a bit.

Still no joy. By 5.30am the pary was still rocking and half of the USA was in the room above our bedroom, dancing to Abba on a laminate floor in high heels. The Police were called for a second and final time. I suspected the police might put the frighteners on them, basically because the neighbours are teachers and won’t want to get lifted. Possibly more to the point, being American I dare say they equate the police with heavy handed response (witness the “Don’t tase me bro” incident in Florida last week).

There is nothing more deadpan than a Scottish policeman and I suppressed a chuckle as I listened to the conversation.

Polis: Do you know why we are here?
Neighbour: No
Polis: Are you sure?
Neighbour: Is it because we are having a party?
Polis: No, it’s because you are still having a party.

The polis then went on to explain that if the party didn’t stop that she (neighbour) would be arrested and charged. Funnily enough, 5 minutes after the polis left the party ended with 20 odd people trudging down the stairs. Hail Lothian and Borders finest.

I’ve heard nothing since. Not a peep. Let it be said though that if they want a noise fight then they have picked a dangerous adversary. In a couple of weeks I will have a screaming child. I also probably own more heavy metal albums than they do.

Revenge will be sweet.

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