Yar yar, Global Service Management blah

I like the train. I particularly like the 3pm train from Kings Cross as it only takes four hours to get back to Auld Reekie. Compared to flying, that’s a competitive enough journey time and you get a comfy seat and a table all the way.

What I don’t like is when two fat businessmen sit on the other side of the table and decide to treat your personal space as an extension of their office, making and receiving very loud phone calls (including conference calls), spreading project plans out all over the table and basically acting like the comfort and privacy of all those around them don’t matter as long as they can conduct their business.

I’ve worked on trains, laptop out and bashing away on the keys, but that’s a hell of a difference from what these guys were doing. Funnily enough, although I shared a train with them for about three hours, I couldn’t ascertain what they did or who they worked for. They spoke entirely in abbreviations, jargon and (most beloved of the modern business world) cryptic department names such as ‘Global Service Management’ or ‘Infrastructure Rationalisation Services’.

What a lot of bollocks. Cheers guys. I had been looking forward to reading my book all the way home but in the end I found your chat about ‘Dave’ freeing up resources much more captivating than E.P.F. Lynch’s World War One diary from the trenches.

Speaking of muppets, I see that Karen Matthews and Michael Donovan have been convicted of imprisoning Shannon Matthews, Karen’s daughter, in an attempt to ‘do a Madeleine McCann’ and earn a Â£50,000 reward.

I say, throw away the key on the mother, but the lad Donovan is quite clearly dolly dimple. I read a quote from his previous employer today in the paper. Basically, he sent him out to fill the van with Â£20 worth of petrol but half an hour later found Donovan driving the van around the car park repeatedly.

When asked what he was doing, Donovan informed his boss that the van only required Â£18.48 worth of petrol. Basically, he was driving around until he could free up another Â£1.52 worth of petrol space at which point he would go and top it up.

It’s school he needs sending to, not jail.

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