Ten things on a Tuesday

Last night, I possibly saw the funniest thing I’ve seen in years. Whilst walking up the Playfair Steps with one of the guys from work, we passed a beggar who had built what could only be described as a supporting cast of ‘Snow Beggars’, complete with wee arms made of twigs and hair made of grass and bits of twig. One of the snow beggars had a wee bucket hanging on his twig arm to collect the cash. Brilliant. Pure humour.

That got me to thinking. That type of pissed, warped creativity seemed exclusively Scottish to me. On the back of that, I’ve decided to put together a list of some of my favourite things about being Scottish. The list is in no particular order and is not exhaustive.

1. Deep fried food. Take cheap ingredients, coat them in batter and then fry them. Smother in chippy sauce (optional), salt and vinegar. Shite would taste nice when prepared thus. I have still to actually find a chippy which sells the now mythical deep fried Mars Bar. Despite this lack of deep fried confectionery country wide, it seems that some people think that this is one of Scotland’s main culinary achievements.
2. Pish. The word ‘Pish’ is so much better than any other word in the English language. It can be used to indicated disbelief (“Pish!” as in “You are talking”)  or to indicate that something is of poor quality (“That was pish”). A very flexible, and completely Scottish word.
3. Ally McLeod. The famous photo of the former Scotland manager sitting on the bench in Argentina with his head in his hands is synonymous with the disaster which was the 1978 World Cup campaign. The great joke of the late 1970′s was that Mickey Mouse had an Ally McLeod wristwatch. He was a national clown at the time but when he died there was a outpouring of warmth towards the man. Scotland in the late 70′s was pish (see 2 above). Declining industry, strikes all the time and the Bay City Rollers. When Ally and the Scotland Squad were piped out of Hampden, there was a resurgence in national belief. Unfortunately, an absolutely disastrous campaign resulted in such a dip in national confidence that when a referendum was held for Scottish devolution in 1979, the country voted against it. Never mind though, we had Archie Gemmell’s goal to take us through the hard times (see 4 below).
4. Archie Gemmell’s goal against Holland. A Scottish icon. As defining a moment in our history as Bannockburn? Not far off it in modern terms. I’d never tire of watching it. All those silky Dutch ‘total’ footballers and a wee bald guy, 4 foot tall with his hands in the air, taking it past three of them and then slotting it past the goalkeeper. One of the finest World Cup goals of all time AND converted into a dance routine. Magic.
5. Drinking. A national pastime. “Take a drink”. Get “pished”. Possibly only the Irish are in the same league as us. I’m not talking about binge drinking. I’m talking about lose your house, wife and kids, piss your pants and forget your own name kind of drinking. Not necessarily something to be proud of but part of the heritage. It remember leaving the house on a Monday morning once and passing a wee skinny old boy walking home, dark stain around the crotch and the Sunday Mail and half a dozen rolls under his arm. Like a wee Scottish Andy Capp. I could imagine the wife polishing the rolling pin.
6. Fighting. The natural partner of 5 above. Usually starts with a “Who ur you looking at ya cant” and finishes with a liberal sprinkling of “Moan then”. Somebody might get “tumblered”. Thrilling stuff. Makes jakey drinking more than just a downward spiral. Allows for significant adrenalin highs.
7. Neds. Love them or loathe them, they are Scottish comedy gold. The making of many a good episode of “Chewing the fat” and “Still Game”. Brainless, unskilled, manual labourers who are highly proficient in 5 and 6 above.
8. The English Civil War. That one threw you. I’m currently reading a book on the English Civil War. Apparently the sparks of the wars were started by the Scots. 400 years ago we were exactly the same seditious, awkward fuckers that we are now. Got to love consistency. Apparently Charles I tried to impose a new prayer book on us. We said “naw”, possibly with an added “ya bass” on the end or a “ya bass yer majesty” if he was lucky. Scotland. Being a pain in England’s arse since the middle ages.
9. The theory that we invented everything. Everyone knows that Scots invented the television and the telephone. We also discovered anaesthesia and penicillin. Those are undisputable facts. Not bad for a rocky little outcrop in the North Atlantic. Even better, we refuse to let anyone forget it. We are never done going on about it. And rightly so. The majority of Scottish history has been full of strife, struggle and presbyterian dourness. Let’s focus on the positives.
10. Tattie Scones. Need I elaborate?

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