1. There used to be such a thing as white dog shit. You don’t see it so much now but in the 70′s and 80′s it was a common occurrence. There was a certain aura about white dog shit which kids of today won’t be able to appreciate. As a result, I want my son (and our new arrival in July) to know of this extinct species of toly. I later discovered (through the wondrous pages of FHM) that the decline in white dog shit is directly related to the decline in the tradition of giving dogs a bone to chew. Apparently it was the calcium that turned the shit white as opposed to our long held belief that it had just dried out in the high noon sun of Scotland.
2. If you park your car in a street where there are pubs, the law of averages dictates that eventually some drunk will piss on your car door handle. I’ve seen it done. Sometimes deliberate, sometimes not. Some of the boyos I’ve seen pissing on motors are so drunk that they wouldn’t know whether they were urinating against a BMW or the Berlin Wall. It happens people. Think about that the next time you open your car door.
3. It’s not clever to hurdle picnic tables. A lesson which I personally learned the hard way (see yesterdays post). Smashing your leg to smithereens is not particularly enjoyable. Neither is the 2 weeks in hospital which results from such endeavours. I still get twinges in the really cold weather which is actually quite cool because I actually have a pain which falls into the general category of ‘gyp’.
4. Swans can break your arm. A timeless classic. No childhood is complete without this complete load of twaddle being drummed into any child. A rite of passage which drums in a lifelong respect and fear of one of the most beautiful creatures in the animal kingdom. I would feel that my children’s childhood would not be complete without this.
5. You will never ever meet anyone who had their arm broken by a swan. Directly related to 4 above. You could trawl the ends of the earth for your whole life. Like Grasshopper in ‘Kung fu’ and never meet anyone who had suffered a broken arm at the hands (wings?) of a swan.

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1. I grew up by the sea and have always felt drawn to the sea all my life. Not in the sense of going out in a boat or any of that shit but I always feel more relaxed when I am by the sea or when I know where I am in relation to the sea. Odd.
2. I am epileptic. I’ve not had a seizure since 1990 but I still don’t take chances with strobe lights.
3. When I was 17 I broke my leg trying to hurdle a picnic table. I have a scar running from knee to hip on my left leg after a hasty operation to fix it.
4. I build websites for people and perversely enjoy it. Most of the jobs I do for money, but some I do for the sheer hell of it.
5. I’m very grateful for having been mildly bullied at school. It made me stronger in the long run.
6. I’m a bit gobby. I tend to get involved in things I shouldn’t do. I hate to see injustice and unfair treatment of any kind and tend to get involved where perhaps I shouldn’t. One day I’ll get a kicking on the back of it. You watch.
7. I’m shit at all sports but I love watching football and American Football.
8. I used to play American Football. Very briefly. I played a pre-season with the Musselburgh Magnums. Very foolish. I played wide receiver. At that time I weighed 10 stones. Everybody else weighed 15. You can imagine the results.
9. I am a huge Marillion fan and am not ashamed to say so.
10. I am such a huge Marillion fan that this March I am going to my third Marillion Weekend in the Netherlands.
11. I use the term ‘Rubberheid’ far too often as an affectionate name for my son. I must stop that before I give him a complex.
12. I have a fear of creepy crawlies. Not little pishy ones like ants or flies, but those big scary ones the size of your shoe which live in South American rainforests.
13. I also have an irrational fear of fish. I can eat them but don’t ask me to swim through a shoal of them.
14. I’m not big on huge hairy stemmed plants either. This fear comes from watching the series ‘Day of the Triffids’ in the 1970′s.
15. I still shit myself when the chewed face appears at the porthole of the sunken boat in Jaws. Even though I’ve seen it loads of times.
16. Like everyone of my age group, I view the 1980′s as halcyon days.
17. I tried to learn c# but found it indecipherable. I also have similar issues with JavaScript. It’s like a mental block. I can code fluently in php though.
18. I’ve put on about 2 stones since 10 years ago. I am always planning to lose weight but never do.
19. I joined weightwatchers a few years ago in an attempt to shift the weight. The online version. Not the one where some old bird called Maureen weighs you on a weekly basis.
20. I have an addictive personality of sorts. I get into something and then kick the arse out of it for about a month before moving onto something else. Luckily my addictive personality has never extended to destructive influences such as drugs, compulsive computer gaming or the like.
21. I do play World of Warcraft though. I have a level 34 dwarf called Fredrik. I’ve not been on for ages but enjoy it when I do.
22. I used to be in a band called the Killer Frisbees. Later (late 90′s) I was the singer in a band called IF. I then went on to work for a company called IF. Neither were particularly thrilling experiences. I remember one night still waiting to get on stage at 1am whilst the last of 6 support acts (an absolutely obliterated gorilla with a guitar) mangled an acoustic version of ‘The Drugs Don’t Work’. He may have been right about the drugs but the lager appeared to be working a treat.
23. The recession scares me.
24. I believe in life after death but not God. Don’t ask me how that works.
25. I believe in aliens. Let’s face it, if we are the best the universe has to offer then we are fucked.

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